Well i was on my feet all day yesterday and my body is not a happy one today.
Tile will do that.
I got my cupboard moved next to my Washing machine like i wanted (cuz its a pain to walk across the room around a bunch a junk to get to my cleaning and laundry supplies). I moved the 10 ft monstrous table out and put a small plastic folding table in its place. I swept and mopped. I did about 8 loads of laundry - blankets and sheets and misc (still have to do 2 sleeping bags)...you know the stuff that is never a priority and just "collects" in the laundry room? LOL! I hung the blinds that have been laying in the windowsill for 3 months finally. (Not what will be there permanently - but they came from our old office and actually fit that window so hey...no complaints here!) My sorter/hanging thing is hiding out where the cupboards used to be...which doesn't work. But i did all i could do yesterday. It feels good. I want to still take apart the table and move it to the garage but for now it needs to stay. Honey is going to use it to put a bunch of computers on that he needs to part out - so once that is done we will move the table out. So it is in the way...kinda like my Christmas stuff stacked up used to be. The bright side, is that i have that space for now so i will just smile and walk around it and hope it finds a new home.
Soon.
I was really hoping to get to the classroom but the more immediate need was in my sons bedroom. So he & I spent some quality time cleaning out and cleaning up his room today. About 3 hours to be exact. Yikes. We did purge about 50 books and broken and unloved toys so it is definately a success. His birthday will be in here in another month and 1/2 so he needs some room. He started and did not finish about 5 Lego creations that were scattered and co-mixed on every possible space of his floor.
They are now resting peacefully in one big box.
I couldn't bring myself to tackle the classroom. The kids have DESTROYED it over the last 3 weeks. That is what happens when you don't go in there. When you leave 2 children with a passion for Art to their own devices so mommy can have a few moments of peace... Yikes! is all i can say.
It is BAD.
We also had been using it to temporarily store all the board games until shelves could be built in the room our dear friend is living in. Now the games are strewn about EVERYWHERE. It is sad.
And admittedly overwhelming.
So i am going to leave that task for now. When i am ready i will tackle it. 15 minutes at a time. I am truly embarrassed to even take a picture. Are your children this bad? Maybe i should. Hold on, lemme get the camera. Now that i think about it, i really MUST take a before picture.
Oh Heavens! It took THREE shots just to convey the disaster it is. Wow! I'll leave that for next time. Stay tuned................
Well i am hoping this weekend will be one of cleaning fun.
Now before you say "wow...she's REALLY lost it" - i kinda need it. I am happy when i have something cleaned or organized. I have lived quite a few years (the last One and a half years being the worst) in constant chaos with no completion of much of anything. Building a house will do that to you. Emptying a storage full of stuff will too. We have TOO MUCH "STUFF"! The choas of non-completion combined with "stuff" to the ceiling is really weighing on me these days. It's not like you could find us on an episode of "Hoarders" or anything...but having boxes everywhere, a stuffed garage that no cars can park in, and another storage 3x the size of the one we just emptied still left to go through....to say we have stuff is an understatement. I am ready to let go. I don't want the extra baggage of all the stuff. I want to be free.
I personally recocgnize that it attributes to the worsening of my depression. The constant feeling of being overwhelmed, the inability to keep anything clean for more than 24 hours, combined with having no place of refuge in my own home has got me sliding backwards down that slippery slope.
November was a great month. I was making strides. Unpacking 2 to 3 boxes a day was liberating. Donating about 4 full suburban loads to various thrift shops felt AMAZING. But i have a long way to go. December was a blurr with mom being ill and January has been spent with me trying to recover. Now i need freedom. Freedom from my "fog" and some more baby steps toward relieving myself of all this clutter.
I used my new SAD (seasonal affective disorder) therapy light this morning for the first time. It was very pricey so i kept putting it off, but my doctor thought it would be really good to try it so we sucked it up and finally got one. It may take a few 30min sessions to tell a difference, but anything to help my mood is worth a try. I also see my doc again on Monday so maybe we'll tweak my meds some more, who knows?! But i am willing to try anything and everything.
So, off i go. I am cleaning up and re-arranging my laundry room today. It hasn't been working well the way it is. Plus i'll get the loads and loads of laundry done in the process of being down there! I got all my Christmas loaded up and off to the storage (so one less thing in the house/laundry room for now!)It feels good to reclaim that space. I started to move the table - - it's not normally askew in the middle of the room, LOL, its usually under the window. These are the "before" pics
These are all the remaining boxes to go through are stacked in my office. It's crammed but helps me to see it and want to go through at least a box a day to eliminate them from my space. If i take a picture (the "before") it makes me want to have an "after" picture. So its a goal to work toward. My office....before......................
Hoping to tackle the former classroom tomorrow. With any luck i'll be able to fit some of my exercise equipment that is living in the garage in there. It will feel good to re-purpose that room and make a dent in the garage as well. But baby steps! I will get done what i can today, and worry about tomorrow when tomorrow comes!
The kids received a very special book in the mail. One that their extremely thoughtful Auntie Kelly took the time to make so that they would always remember.
It's a book about Grandma. It has pictures of each of the kids (Erick included) enjoying special moments with Grandma. It's a Hardbound book from Shutterfly. My daughter has already claimed it as her own and has it proudly displayed up on her dresser with the other treasured items she keeps there. It's standing up facing her bed so she can look at it when she goes to bed and when she wakes up in the morning. We have had it for 2 days and she has looked at it each day lovingly. I hope she always remembers.
I know in her prayers she sends her love each night to her grandma. That she knows Grandma is in heaven with Jesus and fully healed. I know Grandma would be proud, and even tolerant to listen to her grand-daughter play on her new passion (the violin). We hope she is smiling down on her from heaven.
We all miss her so and are very glad to have this book as a reminder - something tangible we can touch and feel until we see her again. Thank you Auntie Kelly!
Today sis had her first VIOLIN lesson. We got it all tuned up yesterday...and today she sat and listened and tried and practiced. It's so cute her violin is a deep purple. Her Auntie Darla bought it for her last Christmas and it has sat in it's case for a whole year+ waiting for love and attention.
Well, at school in music class they asked the kids if they played an instrument and she said "i have a violin". There is another girl in her class who plays the violin so i think that was a bonding / friendship making opportunity she saw...and next thing i know she is begging for it to be fixed. So she now takes lessons (private lessons - though at her new school) after school once a week for now. We could go 2x week but we just can't afford that right now.
She also likes to play the piano and is actually VERY good for being self-taught for the most part and learning by ear. But we are going to concentrate on one thing at a time. We haven't done any horse lessons since mid-Nov due to cost...so i think we can manage this for a while.
She has been truly blessed by God, as neither DeRell nor I have any musical talent / ability whatsoever. I hope it is a gift she will cherish and share.
When she got home she immediately pulled it out and began practicing what she had just learned. I didn't bring my camera to the lesson so it was great that i was able to catch a few shots at home. Enjoy.
I've been thinking alot about my younger sisters lately. Lynnette shared a house with mom and what that must feel like everyday getting up and mom not being there. I wonder if she misses the smell of the coffee brewing every morning? Or misses the noise. I know that TV is watching alot more reality TV than it used to!
And my youngest sister Kelly, with 2 small kids of her own. How hard it is to lose your mom when you are so young. (well 34 seems really young to me at least) And her girls who are so young they may not always remember things like the duck park with grandma or shopping at Gymboree. I worry my Bubba may forget her too. Sis not so much - she had nearly 9 years of her grandma. Even still, they all still miss her everyday.
In a few weeks i'll be headed down there to help go through my moms things and set up a yard sale. Then help my sister pack and look for a smaller place to live. A lot of hard emotional things, that will bring to the surface that my mom has been gone a month now. It's not just me...we all still can't believe its real most days. Half of me is hoping it will make it real and stir loving memories. The other half wonders if i'll be a blubbering mess! Oh no, NOT THE HOLLY PAPER!!!
But i know with my little sisters with me - we can get through this time TOGETHER.
December 2011 Lynnette, Missie, Kelly - no make-up and all!
Well we didn't get out to the slopes today as planned. Even though the Mtn got 12 inches of new snow overnight. It was snowy conditions and gray and cold. Plus mommy was missing some very important gear that was in storage. So we scrapped that plan and went for Plan B.
Ice Skating.
It was actually really fun. We all went. It was Bubba's first time. He was ready to give up within 10 minutes but we got him to hang in there, and by the end he was loving it!!! It was only a 2hr session of open skating on an outdoor covered rink...but that was just perfect for ALL of us.
I did realize that this was the 1 time i wish i still had a point & shoot camera bcuz there was NO WAY i was taking my new baby out on that ice. So i only got some shots from before i hit the ice, then i had to retire it to the car since there were no lockers. Who ever heard of such a thing?
Anyway we are tired, and about to settle in for a night of movies so i hope ya'll have a great weekend too!
Montana is not as glamorous, or as cold, or snow-filled as ya'll might be imagining.
Just to set the record straight on this - i would like to clarify that i live in the "Banana Belt" of Montana. Which for the uninformed means our particular area does not suffer from the same biting cold or record amount of snowfall as the rest of the state. I live in a beautiful Valley sandwhiched between two relatively close mountain ranges. (Imagine the base of each range being less than 10 miles apart) The harsh weather doesn't settle into our valley as often because we are shielded for the most part by those mountains and it passes over us so to speak. Don't get me wrong...we get the occassional days of -10degrees and some snow. Plenty of rain. But compared to the rest of Montana we are blessed to have the invisible shield. No before you go imagining the tropics and sandals and tshirts let me say that we do still experience WINTER. But for me, it is just COLD with not enough snow to make the cold bearable darnit. If it's gonna be 5-20 degrees everyday i want like 6 inches of snow to play in.
This area is both a blessing and a curse. Though it FEELS like we have winter 6 months of the year...it's really more like five. LOL. Instead of snow, snow, snow we actually get more ice than snow. We get a few inches of snow, then the banana belt kicks in - it gets toasty (and by that i mean hits 35 degrees) and the snow melts. Then it freezes at night and we get ice. Vicious cycle of snow/ice/dry/snow/ice/snow/ice. Which is bad. Real bad if, like me, you suffer from massive anxiety and occasional panic attacks. Ice is not my friend. Here in the ol' Banana Belt we actually have to pray real hard to get a "White Christmas" even. (Thank you Lord for blessing us with one this year!) All of this to say we just don't get enough snow to have any fun!
This long rambling and geography lesson is all to preface some photos so you will enjoy the ingenuity of the kiddos and Uncle Lloyd to make lemons out of lemonade. Or in this case - - the epic snowman. ENJOY!
Isn't he the most spectacular thing you've ever seen?! Your Welcome!
I totally forgot in my Christmas recap to include our PJ photo. My sister (to my right) got us girls all these lovely pink/black plaid jammies to wear on Christmas. Man are they HOT. By that i mean temperature. So if ever the heat goes out in my house i know what i am throwing ON. The couple of times since Christmas i wore them i literally found myself peeling them off in my sleep.
The Boys all got the cute Gray/Black fleece pants. I'm sure they would have looked AWESOME in the pink plaid but my sister decided against it. (RATS!)
DeRell, Missie, Darla, Lloyd - Christmas 2010
Updated to add that my other 2 sisters and Brother in Law DID, IN FACT wear their Christmas PJ's as well!! Yay! Never mind my cutie patootie neice Addy who didn't have Pj's on at all LOL***
Andy, Kelly, Addy, Lynnette - Christmas 2010 LOL - We're missing Aubrey...she must have been taking the picture hehehehehe!
It's a sad state of affairs. My daughter DOES NOT like to brush her hair. It's a strange phenomenom i have had to deal with for the past 2+ years i would say. Strange to me because i just can't imagine. I must have been a very vain child. There is no way i would walk outside the house with my hair looking like that. I think i coveted my hair bcuz when i was in Kindergarten my mom gave me a "Pixie" cut and it forever traumatized me after that. I can still remember the shop (to.this.day) where it was cut, the overly large lady who cut it, and the resulting class photo where i look like a very sad little boy with a peter pan collar.
But this isn't about me...it's about one nearly 9 year old girl with very long unruly hair. I think the root of the problem (no pun intended) is that her mommy lacks patience and styling skills. Don't get me wrong - in the 80's i was the master of the diffuser on the blow dryer. Not to mention all kinds of gravity defying bang creations thanks laregly in part to a never-ending supply of Super-Extra Hold Aqua Net in the Pink/White can. (I am sure i am personally responsible for adding to the hole in the ozone with my former Aqua Net usage). I had at my disposal 4 different sizes of curling irons - and of course the proper use of a scrunchie. But my daughter has not yet acquired, and dare i say it, lacked the desire for, hair styling (i.e the use of a brush or comb)in any form.
I really think it has more to do with the fact she has fine stringy hair and a SUPER DUPER tenderhead. Which is the exact opposite of her mom with the thick mega amount of hair that never met a comb i didn't like. I *may* have been a little rough in the tension mounted teeny bathroom on more than one occasion while hurrying her out the door to school. (?) So rather than fight the battle and drama i let her go around looking like one of the peanuts gang (minus the dirt cloud) figuring she might just snap out of it based on peer pressure. Not really working being that she went to a Christian School with about 8 kids in her class and then was Homeschooled.
Truth be told, she had wanted it cut for quite a while but i wouldn't give in. She looks plain ADORABLE with a BOB style cut, but with her size she would be mistaken for a Kindergartner quite regularly and i didn't feel that kind of cut was worth the self-esteem loss that might result in looking like a 5 year old. Not only that, she wanted to grow her bangs out so the hair has been even more gnarly.
I did finally give in. We are having some major changing around here, and mommy just can't homeschool her right now with all that is going on. She was about to face the cold ugly world soon so i thought it best she face it in style! So one morning a week and half ago or so...i brought out the scissors (a beautician i am not...thankfully it wasnt exceptionally hideous) and we did this............
The "BEFORE" standard looking hair fresh out of the shower (that generally stayed looking this way well until it was dry and remained as such)
The "MIDDLE" after mommy laboriously combed and brushed and combed some more. (she is sitting on a stool and it was about 3/4 down her back in length)
The "AFTER". Not to the shoulders or a "bob" but still Long-Ish.
It was a good compromise! We are still working on "the bangs" because they are at the hideous akward stage. She has been more interested in getting her hair done lately and will sit patiently while i clip her bangs up with bobbi pins and use some hairspray magic or make a fun messy- bun. She uses all manners and colors of headbands now (which she has always liked thankfully) and just about anything is better than the "before" look (as evidenced in the Christmas photos incase you missed that). So we are making progress in that she has not even 1 day gone to school or out of the house with unkempt hair, and she actually CARES how it looks now which is a step in the right direction. The additional plus is that she isn't scarred for life by her homemade haircut either. *wink*
I just wanted to give a quick shout out to the Blogger genius engineers who managed to FIX ALL THE BUGGIES today. After 2 weeks of frustration (as i ranted about previously) someone in cyber-land waived their magic wand and all my troubles disappeared this afternoon. Magically, as if on cue, it sped up and all my fonts returned to where they belonged. Weird.
I doubt they read or subscribe to my Blog, so i am guessing perhaps there were others (bigger fish than me) that actually contacted the company or something. Or some moron figured out that there was a BIG PROBLEM and just fixed it. Either way i am back to being happy about blogging.
Sometimes "Newer and Better" is not in fact all that and a bag of chips!!
Since there wasn't much celebratory hooray this Christmas...i never got around to posting anything. The kids DID in fact enjoy their Christmas immensly. They wore their annual matching pj's (green/red Christmas snoopy pants this year...silly mommy didnt get a photo of that) and my oldest sister got to come to Montana for the VERY FIRST TIME! So she also started a pajama tradition for the "sisters". We wore ours (even the hubbies got "boy" matching bottoms) and my two youngers sisters were supposed to wear theirs (?) - tho i have no photographic proof at this point of the latter. So here is a brief run down. Please excuse lil miss Linus...she is not into hair brushing WHATSOEVER. (Though i fixed that you'll see in a coming post)
Santa brought sis a Webkin (*unwrapped* and placed in front of the tree)
In her stocking she got this. I am glad she loved it as much as i knew she would. I will always remember it...as i found it in the hospital gift shop while at UCSF when mom was there. I can't believe i paid $9. for THAT!
The Bubba got this MASSIVE Lego city which to this day is still not fully put together (in his defense...he did receive roughly 1,294 other Lego sets so it is hard to stay focused when you want to put together every.single.set you got!)
And for ME..after nearly 2 years of whining hubby gave in - cuz they are CHEAP now!
I LOVE that my daughter LOVES books. She got the Box set of the Little House on the Prairie set which she adores. She is on Book#2 - Farm Boy - now.
How can you argue with THAT with a smile like that?
This is her excitement after getting a BRAND NEW BIBLE from her baby brother!
No lie, the boy LOVES this from Uncle Lloyd & Auntie Darla. It takes like 6 or 8 gigantic D batteries (i am surprised he can even hold it up) and is plenty loud and shoots those lovely Nerf bullets all over at lightning speed. No cocking or reloading required. A FULLY AUTOMATIC WEAPON in the hands of a 6 year old is a scary thing. (*no animals are harmed though i can say a cat or two has taken a bullet for me!*)
SEE!!! Told you he liked it. Did you see him running to mom for a thank you hug? Um, that would be NOPE.
Bubba still gets excited about Veggie Tales!
Uncle Lloyd got his own special engraved coffee mug from the kiddos.
This was Daddy's favorite gift this year.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ After Christmas we left for California for Mom's memorial service. The day after we were able to celebrate Christmas at my sister Kelly's and open some more gifts. There was even one from Grandma for each of the kids (she had bought long before she became sick) and it broke my heart and made me happy at the same time when they opened them. I'm glad they didn't see mommy cry because they were excitied!
This Gymboree Outfit will always be special because it was bought from Grandma. More than anything she wanted Gymboree from her Grandma this year...and she got it!
The matching shirt! My mom actually got it for her Birthday i think last year but it was huge so i told her to wait to give it to her for Christmas. This will be the last Gymboree outfit she ever gets from Grandma...i am sure she will take care of it.
Auntie Lynnette scored with this Vintage Battleship game (old school) Sis LOVES battleship but the new one out is plastic and lame and takes batteries.
Bubba got cool Ninja Lego's from Grandma (i bet they were on QVC LOL)
Apparently Sis is not the only "Angel" in the family - her cousin Aubrey is too!
It was wonderful having a mini-christmas with my neices as well. We love you Aubrey and Addyson and were so thankful to get some more time with you.
I am sure my sister feels the same way..like about the Kitchen set my mom got for Aubrey for Christmas. Excitement over how happy they are, and sadness that it is the last gift they will get from Grandma. It is Bittersweet. Emotions like that i am having to learn to deal with nearly daily when i think about my mom. I can look in my closet or around the house and remember that came from my mom. These things now make me so happy, but also come with a side of pain.
I guess in my new normal my days may be filled with that. Like going through a drive through to order your favorite milk-shake (*so happy*) then they ask "do you want fries with that?" Probably a bad analogy - but i don't want the fries (*pain*) that comes with those memories. So i'll try to chose the only the Milkshake for now - and NO i do not want fries with that.
Well it is Monday. I can say that after a week and a half of my annoying blog...that i am officially ANNOYED!!!
Is it just ME or does it take everyone about 40 seconds (or more) for my blog to come up everytime you click on it?!!! It has become so agonizingly frustrating. It's bad enough i have fallen off the blog wagon, but when i try to get back on i am met with resistance from the folks at Blogger. Apparently they have done some "updating" - - - which IS NOT A GOOD THING. The preview choice went to the "new and improved" which is just (i'll leave out the bad word that just popped into my head) So i reverted back to the old out of sheer frustration last night. All my post titles dont have the correct font anymore, blah, blah, blah. Mainly i am just peeved at the ETERNITY it feels like i have to wait to click on my own blog! I have tried every computer in my house ... same results. I can go to someone elses Blogger page (my sisters for example) and it doesn't do that. And why all of a sudden? It feels like 5 minutes...which makes me not want to blog AT ALL.
Apparently today is complain day for me. Sorry folks. Had to get that rant out of my system.
I have been following Joanne's story at The Simple Wife for the past week. Though i cannot feel their pain directly, i can so i know from recent experience what it is like to sit in the ICU waiting room and hope and pray. The anxiety of "waiting" and the way the whole world stops around you - and your life is just in that room or the hospital. It is a hard thing to play the "waiting game". Every day hoping it will be a "good day" or that there is improvement. Their family could use your prayers right now. If you are interested i have the blog button on my sidebar or you can just click the link above.
Hope your Monday is better than mine. I'll leave you with some Cowboy Boots (a photo)...since i need to catch up on about 3 months worth.
I don't know about you....but there is something about Kitties at play that makes my heart melt. That may also be why i have FOUR cats?! Any-whoo i love when the "boys" get together and wrestle around. It makes me smile. I could use a little bit of "awwww" today, couldn't you?
I listen to ALOT of Christian radio. Sometimes I think the Lord speaks to me through the lyrics in songs.
If you've ever called me on my cell phone - you know my "Theme Song" i chose by Josh Wilson (Savior Please) which pretty much sums it all up for me in my prayer life and walk. Josh is also the one who sings "BEFORE THE MORNING" that i added in yesterdays post -which is totally and utterly amazing how i can have 2 songs from the same artist hit me so directly. Have you ever felt that? Have you ever listened to a song or turned on the radio and felt a song was playing JUST FOR YOU?! I have another.
Amidst all my sorrow the music manages to lift me up. Christian radio is such a blessing to me. When i think of so many in so many countries where Christianity is oppressed and even reading the Word has serious consequences...I must be ever thankful that i live in a country where i still am free to practice my beliefs, to meet in a place of worship, and to listen to God speak to me through the voices he has chosen to deliver His message. Like this song today..........
I am trying to immerse myself in God's word because every time i do there is a lesson to be taken in. The night (early morning) that i learned of my moms passing i immediately sought God. Then i opened my Bible. I could hardly see through the tears to read but knew i needed His comfort more than any other - and in times of sorrow or dispair the Psalms can be a comfort. I remember wanting so badly to have the Lords arms wrapped around me at that very moment.
This Psalm truly spoke to my heart today so i thought i would share ( hope you dont mind *wink* )
16 He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters. 17 He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me. 18 They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the LORD was my support.
Thank you Lord for being my support in this time of need and always. Amen
There are some things we just KNOW about ourselves. Little things we don't admit to everyone, but they can see through us anyway.
My little secret is that i like to lock away the pain. It's MINE so why would i burden anyone else with it? I like to convince myself that i am being a good person/wife/friend by not troubling others with my "stuff". Who wants a pity party, right? I mean, i can be loving and empathetic and caring to others...but i don't want that caring in return. I guess i somehow feel i am unworthy?
The hard part about locking things away is that one cannot truly heal unless their burdens are lifted. We must deal with the pain in order to be free from it. Sometimes - frequently recently - i even think i am hiding it away from God. I don't even want to talk to Him about it...though i know that is ridiculous. I just move on to the next daily task and "get through" the day. "Help me through the day Lord. Let's not get to that nasty little issue at hand okay?" or "can we come back to that later?".
The guilt is here already even posting this. But this is for ME. I don't want sympathy or even acknowledgement. What i do want is healing. If it takes me getting it all out to do that - then i must.
I first knew it was a problem not long after High School when i lost my first love to suicide. I was fine. When no one was looking i would get in my car and drive off to the cemetary and talk to him for hours. Then get in my car, put on a happy face, and pretend it never happened. Help someone else.
Then came childbirth with my daughter. Physical pain. Did i want someone to rub my back or talk to me? Hell no! Get away from me. Leave me alone. I would close my eyes and scream a little and bury it down deep. Don't look at me or talk to me...i am "dealing with it". A few weeks later i began to suffer with Post Partum Depression. I got the magic Happy Pills and "poof" all better. Or was it?
After my last one was born, combined with leaving my comfort of a lovely house, my 6 figure job, and moving to the frozen tundra....guess what? I got Post Partum Depression again. Only i didn't know it - or deal with it. I just thought i was homesick. I was overwhelmed with a toddler, a new baby, a new business, and far far from all my support system. I put on my happy face every day for the doctors and for the people who i worked with. But when i was alone i had feelings i didn't know what to do with. Things that weren't as easy as before to just lock away and move on. Depression is an ugly monster and i never knew it could affect ME! How silly, i was always the "happy one". My whole life...the bubbly, cheerful, happy go lucky girl with the smile that could brighten anyones day. Yes, THAT annoying girl. I am sure you all know someone like that. Man, do they get on your nerves or what?!
Well one day that girl wakes up in a world that is no longer her own. She has lost the "shine" and has no idea how to get it back. When you are depressed you put on the layers of pain and wear them around everyday. Medication works, for a little while...but you become so accustomed to the pain that you just keep on doing all you have ever known. Lock it away, take a pill, but on a brave face and pretend you are fine. Every pound of pain shows up on my body. Move onto the next thing, and just do. I am a "do"-er. As long as i am "doing" then i can forget and hide my feelings. It's easy. I'm fine. But here i sit, a month after a very painful time and i have yet to deal with the pain.If i just do one more load of laundry, or fix someone elses problem then i am one day further from that pain.
The truth is for me, i flew to California to see my mom that was in very critical condition. I went through the motions every day. What can i DO? Mom got better. I flew home. Any day she would be ready for the transplant, the Dr.'s were sure that by Christmas or so she would get her new Liver. She was talking, sitting up, doing so well. Then i got the call that would send me crashing down. She had passed away.
What?!
Not possible. Why? What was i being punished for? It's my MOM Lord, i can't do this thing called life without my mom.
No wait....What can i DO? Lets get through the packing, the drive, the services. Prayer is a comfort when i am not "doing" something. But my God is a Big God, why can't he just CURE my depression, and take away my pain? What lesson can i learn from even more pain that i just have to tuck away? If we are only given what we can handle...why am i handling so much? Oh, and in the midst of all this make sure to have my husband tell my oldest son that he isn't in love with me anymore. Why would he be...since i am just a shell of the person i once was. I don't love ME anymore either. Lets just pile all the pain on at once. I am beyond broken. I am beyond worthy of love. Just put one foot in front of the other Missie. It will be fine.
The Lord put this song in my heart - I am just waiting for the Light. Healing is coming.
I chose to face this WITH the Lord, and not lock Him out. Bring on the pain Lord, as i know in my heart you are the Ultimate Healer. I know i don't have to do this alone, because You are with me.
By Josh Wilson....................
Do you wonder why you have to feel the things that hurt you If there’s a God who loves you, where is He now Maybe there are things you can’t see And all those things are happening to bring a better ending Someday somehow you’ll see, you’ll see
Would you dare, would you dare to believe That you still have a reason to sing Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming So hold on you gotta wait for the light Press on and just fight the good fight Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling It’s just the dark before the morning
My friend, you know how this all ends, you know where you’re going You just don’t know how you’ll get there, so say a prayer And hold on cause there’s good for those who love God But life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time But you’ll see the bigger picture
Once you feel the weight of glory All your pain will fade to memory Once you feel the weight of glory All your pain will fade to memory
Would you dare, would you dare to believe That you still got a reason to sing Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming Come on you gotta wait for the light Press on and just fight the good fight Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling It’s just the hurt before the healing Oh the pain that you’ve been feeling It’s just the dark before the morning
Now, here's to unlocking the pain....and allowing the healing! Love to you all - because LOVE IS SOMETHING YOU DO!
I have so much to share but i just wasn't ready. Still not actually. But this did in fact make my day so it deserves it's own post.
Today, upon picking my little one up at the bus-stop he starts digging trough his backpack then says "Momma I know you are sad about Grandma but i have something that will make you happy!" He proceeded to pull a newspaper clipping out of his backpack. Low and behold on the back page of our local Ravalli Republic today (the local and National weather to be exact) was a drawing his teacher submitted on his behalf depicting WINTER. His name in print...a fine moment indeed.
**You can click on it to launch it to actually see it** If you can't make heads or tales of it.....it is Santa on his sleigh covered by a gazillion snowflakes.
I'll try to catch you up on November and December this week. I have many photos to post as well.
