03.09.2012 My Cup

(I couldn't resist...he's so cute!!)

I grew up a "Cup Half Full" person. You know the type. Always an optimist. Always knowing there is good in everything.

Sometime in early 2002 that part of me dissapeared. I wasn't even a "Cup Half Empty" person - - there just was no longer a cup. Not on purpose. Not because I couldn't see good anymore. Not because I didn't desperately WANT to be that person. Truly, because I couldn't make myself be that anymore.

It's called "depression" and it transforms you into someone you yourself don't even recognize.... If you have ever seen the "Cymbalta" commercials they are so accurate it is scary. (LOL)

I think Cup Half Full people are also called "perky". Which is hilarious - since it is a coffee reference.

I was also labeled "perky" when I was growing up. I always had a smile on my face. I never thought it was negative. I embraced it as part of who I was. I guess if you aren't a perky person...people like me could be somewhat annoying. (Or so my friend and neighbor tells me)

The funny thing is....as I got pulled deeper and deeper into depression, it was one part of me that was out of reach. I would always ask my Dr. - "When will I ever feel like 'ME' again?" Try another kind of medicine....I would feel better....but still never like "me". Try something else....but I still never felt like 'me' again. There is no way to put into words the clouds that you live within when your brain decides to "alter you" through depression. I had to try really hard (honing my acting skills) to portray being "perky" or "happy" because that was what was expected of me. What previously was a natural part of "me" was lost. No one wants to be around someone who is tired, mopey, angry or negative all the time. (No matter how much they love you - if they haven't 'been there' they just expect you to be able to "snap out of it") I can't tell you how many times I wondered if I would EVER be able to feel again.

I can't tell you how much of a relief it was when *gasp* just over a month ago I literally woke up and felt "changed". Happy permeated through every part of my being. Nothing mad me sad. My smile returned. I can't explain it. I had not changed medicine. My vitamins were the same. There are a couple things I tried to pin it on;

1.) I got about 5 pairs of new (new to me) jeans that fit great and felt good

...Who wouldn't love to say a pair of jeans changed their life! LOL

2.) I started drinking Chai Tea

...I was sure the caffeine - that I could never previously tolerate - was the "magic trick" that made me all better.

But the funny thing is - I know it was neither. I felt so good I decided to wean off my meds (without consulting my Dr.) and then stopped altogether.

Bad idea.

So I started back on. So I guess for now I still need them....but i feel GREAT. My medicine alone has never allowed me to feel great. I could just survive the day.

BUT NOW?!! The cup seems to always be Half Full.

As a matter of fact, my cup runneth over!

The very strangest thing, is that we are financially in a very BAD place. My husband is stressed beyond belief. He snaps. Medically he is in a bad place. I am supportive, I am strong, I don't snap back. I can only see the good. I know the Lord will let me bend - but never let me break. I can feel it. I know it will be okay.

I haven't "known" in so long it is very foreign to me.

But what I do know is that for TODAY I feel like singing. All day. Everyday. And that smile...well it just won't go away.

So if you need a dose of "perky" in your life...I'm your gal! Even though my literal cup (of Nonfat Vanilla Chai) is empty - I see and feel the possibilities of the days ahead.

And it feels good.

03.08.2012 KONY 2012

Each ONE of us can make a difference. It is worth the time spent.

03.06.2012 Not as Planned

Well surgery happened yesterday.

Unfortunately, when the Dr. came out to tell me all about it...it was not the outcome anyone wants to hear.

They could not get to the stone.

DeRell was devistated. I had on my brave face all day.

Bottom line, Dr. was able to put the Stent in below the stone. (this is important to stretch the walls of the Ureter so fluids can pass and the Kidney is not permanently damaged) However,due to his Ureter clinching he could not get his scope/camera/laser up the additional inches it needed to get to the stone that is imbedded in his uppper kidney. Mainly he said in healthy males it is common for the Ureter (tube that takes byproduct/urine from kidney to pee-pee) to contract or swell when there is a problem. So basically after his stone being in there so long that is what happened. For the Dr. to try to FORCE his instruments up any further he could have created problems or worse... permanent damage.

No one wants to have a catheter, or have to pee in a bag for the rest of their lives if there is some other way...so the Dr. decided to back up and call it a day. When he told me this i think i sunk in my chair about 6 inches. "Well cant you just cut him open and get it out the "hard way"? I asked. Basically the Dr. answer was 'Not unless he wanted a 12 inch scar running across his side to the front'. If there is ANY WAY to avoid that they typically do. So he said we will meet in his ofc. Weds and come up with a game plan. Also once he saw the final xray and was "in there" he thought it very possible it could be a Uric Acid stone. If that is the case, then it is the only kind of stone that can dissolve with medication. So he is going to analyze his last 4 samples to see if it is possibly that - and then we can medicate and hope it dissolves enough to pass on its own.

If not he has to go back in for surgery in about 2 weeks. Basically the maximum amount of time they want someone to have a stone lodged in their kidney (where his is located) is 4 - 6 weeks. That is why he had surgery at that 4 week mark. Now if we can't fix it in the next 2weeks he will need to have SOME KIND of surgery to successfully remove it otherwise he could have permanent damage to his Kidney.

Scary stuff, but hopeful that it will all be worked out in the next couple of weeks.

Also, I am so VERY THANKFUL we have medical insurance through his job. We went over 2 years without insurance (and just got it back last May) and something like this... if we were un-insured.... would be catasrophic. He has had so many CatScans, CT's, Xrays...and now possibly TWO surgeries. Yikes. We haven't even paid off our co-pay amount from his Colonoscopy from last year. I can tell you without a doubt we have met our family deductible already this year.

The moral of this story, is that not all things go according to plan. So we will continue to pray and hope for the best possible outcome.

As far as how DeRell is feeling....well lets just say for a guy that normally refuses to take pain meds - he took a 1/2 last night in hopes he could function. He has an Extrememl HIGH pain tolerance and this thing is kicking his butt! He has to drink LOADS of fluids....but it is SO painful in his Kidney and where they placed the stent when he has to urinate that he has been crying out in pain.

Not a fun thing.

03.04.2012 Surgery Day

Well we will be leaving bright and early for DeRell's surgery in the morning.

What surgery you ask?

Well if you recall he has a Kidney Stone. A rather large Kidney Stone. It has not passed. It is stuck in his upper Kidney.

So Dr. Urologist has made the decision to do surgery.

What does that involve? Basically, he will undergo general anesthesia, they will insert a tube into his....ummm...Well it is explained ever so well here. Oh and what this doesn't say is that they actually place a shunt above and below the area they are going to laser as well. It's awesome stuff.

Excuse me while I lay my head on the glass top of my desk for a minute.

Aw nice and cool.
..................Ok I am Back.

As you know, I am not so good with medical "procedures", anything involving blood or bodily fluids, needles of any kind...or graphic depictions of the process. Just hearing it outloud makes me 8 shades of green. I get woozy, I feel faint.

Yes, basically I am a whimp and I admit it. It's amazing in itself that I have birthed 3 children and lived to tell the tale.

Thankfully I have a new awesome book my friend Alisia passed on to me when she finished...and it's sequel...I think I may be able to finish all of them as we will be at the hospital at least 6 hours or longer depending on his recovery. You know, they make sure he can pee and all before they let us leave.

Sorry if this whole thing is T.M.I. But getting it out forces me to "man-up" about the whole thing. So i dont just pass right out when the Dr. comes out to tell me it all went well. I'm gonna hope for the not so detailed version of the procedure at that point.

Seriously, I am woozy right now just thinking about it. Yikes!

Monday is a busy day - Sis has her CRT's (all this week) starting Monday, Daddy has surgery, Bubba has wrestling practice (OOOOH did i mention he got 3rd place w/ a medal in his weight class at the Tournament this weekend??, Darla has her appt for the results of all her tests, and then a 4H sheep meeting at 7pm. It's gonna be one long/full day.

Just another Manic Monday................