12.07.2010 All cried out

Random Rambling......
2 summers ago while i was on a 3+ week vacation in California enjoying beaches, my sisters wedding, Disneyland, Knotts Berry farm, and Angels Baseball (just to name a few excursions) my kitty Pixie was hit by a car. She was BY FAR the best and most wonderful cat my husband and I (and the kids) have ever known. In every way. When he called me with the devastating news i cried and cried, and prayed, and begged and pleaded that she could be saved. No matter the cost, she could live. I cried buckets and sobbed until (very literally) there were no more tears i could cry.

Today was like that day. My mom was re-admitted to the hospital again and her condition continues to deteriorate. From 1200+ miles away i could do nothing but cry and pray. I alternated between the two until once again i literally could cry no more. I am so thankful for a husband that understands (he lost his mother nearly 10 years ago) and no matter the financial burden urged me to get on a plane and go. There is nothing i can do HERE when she is THERE. My sisters (and Judy-my moms best friend) are rock stars. They have been handling all her appts., meeting with a Liver Transplant Specialist, taking mom to work when she could no longer drive but felt working was necessary (another thing wrong with our society...why should we all fear for losing our jobs - and more importantly health care - when we are sick?) It's so much. A simple misunderstanding of medicine dosage and a small problem turns into a HUGE problem...Fast. She was back in the hospital on Monday - her liver not filtering out bad toxins and her ammonia level was sky high and she was incoherent. Overnight that turned into a life threatening condition known as Sepsis and pneumonia. How can this be happening? My friends and prayer warriors did what they do best - they held me up when i couldn't hold myself, alternated shoulders for me to cry on, and we PRAYED. Still i am HERE and they ( my mom & sis') are THERE. There are no tears left, just prayer. I am a girl of action. I don't do well with "sitting around" or not being able to DO. When one friend came over i made speghetti (for lunch!) so that i would have something to do. I work well when serving others, not the other way around. Service is my spiritual gift. So why am I HERE so far away? So i booked the next flight out (did i just say flight?..oh yes...please pray for me as well flying IS NOT my thing) which isn't until tomorrow (Weds) night at 7pm, after getting in & a rental car...i should make it to moms town around 1am Thursday.

My son had his Christmas program at school which i went to then was surrounded by the loving kindness of my friends who took me out to dinner and helped make arrangements to handle my kids while i am gone. My daughter will continue her schooling with my best friend and my son will be home with daddy and lots of extra help from other mommies who know what a job caring for school aged kids can be.

As of about 7:30 tonight they are Intubating my mother and placing in a central line. It's 11pm and i am all cried out. Nothing left but prayer. It is still so hard to be HERE.

Why our mothers? When kids are little we (their mommies) are there when they fall or are hurt to HOLD them and LOVE them through it. As adults sometimes those roles are reversed and it becomes our turn to HOLD and LOVE our mothers through it. That is what i need to DO now.

I am only human though, and i need prayer to get me through, and prayer for my mom. If you could be so kind as to lift up a prayer (her name is Joan) i would be so grateful. A prayer for traveling mercies would be so much appreciated for me as well. Xanex is usually my friend in these instances, but since i will be driving immediately after the nearly 3hr flight i can't take any. The Lord knows that, so i am sure i will be fine....but i am human and sometimes the worry and anxiety still creeps in - so i am reminded to "Be Still". Worrying can do nothing for us the Bible says, and i believe that in my heart. But i am still afflicted with worry & anxiety in my head apparently. Perhaps i need prayer for that as well.