(I couldn't resist...he's so cute!!)
I grew up a "Cup Half Full" person. You know the type. Always an optimist. Always knowing there is good in everything.
Sometime in early 2002 that part of me dissapeared. I wasn't even a "Cup Half Empty" person - - there just was no longer a cup. Not on purpose. Not because I couldn't see good anymore. Not because I didn't desperately WANT to be that person. Truly, because I couldn't make myself be that anymore.
It's called "depression" and it transforms you into someone you yourself don't even recognize.... If you have ever seen the "Cymbalta" commercials they are so accurate it is scary. (LOL)
I think Cup Half Full people are also called "perky". Which is hilarious - since it is a coffee reference.
I was also labeled "perky" when I was growing up. I always had a smile on my face. I never thought it was negative. I embraced it as part of who I was. I guess if you aren't a perky person...people like me could be somewhat annoying. (Or so my friend and neighbor tells me)
The funny thing is....as I got pulled deeper and deeper into depression, it was one part of me that was out of reach. I would always ask my Dr. - "When will I ever feel like 'ME' again?" Try another kind of medicine....I would feel better....but still never like "me". Try something else....but I still never felt like 'me' again. There is no way to put into words the clouds that you live within when your brain decides to "alter you" through depression. I had to try really hard (honing my acting skills) to portray being "perky" or "happy" because that was what was expected of me. What previously was a natural part of "me" was lost. No one wants to be around someone who is tired, mopey, angry or negative all the time. (No matter how much they love you - if they haven't 'been there' they just expect you to be able to "snap out of it") I can't tell you how many times I wondered if I would EVER be able to feel again.
I can't tell you how much of a relief it was when *gasp* just over a month ago I literally woke up and felt "changed". Happy permeated through every part of my being. Nothing mad me sad. My smile returned. I can't explain it. I had not changed medicine. My vitamins were the same. There are a couple things I tried to pin it on;
1.) I got about 5 pairs of new (new to me) jeans that fit great and felt good
...Who wouldn't love to say a pair of jeans changed their life! LOL
2.) I started drinking Chai Tea
...I was sure the caffeine - that I could never previously tolerate - was the "magic trick" that made me all better.
But the funny thing is - I know it was neither. I felt so good I decided to wean off my meds (without consulting my Dr.) and then stopped altogether.
Bad idea.
So I started back on. So I guess for now I still need them....but i feel GREAT. My medicine alone has never allowed me to feel great. I could just survive the day.
BUT NOW?!! The cup seems to always be Half Full.
As a matter of fact, my cup runneth over!
The very strangest thing, is that we are financially in a very BAD place. My husband is stressed beyond belief. He snaps. Medically he is in a bad place. I am supportive, I am strong, I don't snap back. I can only see the good. I know the Lord will let me bend - but never let me break. I can feel it. I know it will be okay.
I haven't "known" in so long it is very foreign to me.
But what I do know is that for TODAY I feel like singing. All day. Everyday. And that smile...well it just won't go away.
So if you need a dose of "perky" in your life...I'm your gal! Even though my literal cup (of Nonfat Vanilla Chai) is empty - I see and feel the possibilities of the days ahead.
And it feels good.
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