01.14.2010 Pain and Healing

There are some things we just KNOW about ourselves. Little things we don't admit to everyone, but they can see through us anyway.

My little secret is that i like to lock away the pain. It's MINE so why would i burden anyone else with it? I like to convince myself that i am being a good person/wife/friend by not troubling others with my "stuff". Who wants a pity party, right? I mean, i can be loving and empathetic and caring to others...but i don't want that caring in return. I guess i somehow feel i am unworthy?

The hard part about locking things away is that one cannot truly heal unless their burdens are lifted. We must deal with the pain in order to be free from it. Sometimes - frequently recently - i even think i am hiding it away from God. I don't even want to talk to Him about it...though i know that is ridiculous. I just move on to the next daily task and "get through" the day. "Help me through the day Lord. Let's not get to that nasty little issue at hand okay?" or "can we come back to that later?".

The guilt is here already even posting this. But this is for ME. I don't want sympathy or even acknowledgement. What i do want is healing. If it takes me getting it all out to do that - then i must.

I first knew it was a problem not long after High School when i lost my first love to suicide. I was fine. When no one was looking i would get in my car and drive off to the cemetary and talk to him for hours. Then get in my car, put on a happy face, and pretend it never happened. Help someone else.

Then came childbirth with my daughter. Physical pain. Did i want someone to rub my back or talk to me? Hell no! Get away from me. Leave me alone. I would close my eyes and scream a little and bury it down deep. Don't look at me or talk to me...i am "dealing with it". A few weeks later i began to suffer with Post Partum Depression. I got the magic Happy Pills and "poof" all better. Or was it?

After my last one was born, combined with leaving my comfort of a lovely house, my 6 figure job, and moving to the frozen tundra....guess what? I got Post Partum Depression again. Only i didn't know it - or deal with it. I just thought i was homesick. I was overwhelmed with a toddler, a new baby, a new business, and far far from all my support system. I put on my happy face every day for the doctors and for the people who i worked with. But when i was alone i had feelings i didn't know what to do with. Things that weren't as easy as before to just lock away and move on. Depression is an ugly monster and i never knew it could affect ME! How silly, i was always the "happy one". My whole life...the bubbly, cheerful, happy go lucky girl with the smile that could brighten anyones day. Yes, THAT annoying girl. I am sure you all know someone like that. Man, do they get on your nerves or what?!

Well one day that girl wakes up in a world that is no longer her own. She has lost the "shine" and has no idea how to get it back. When you are depressed you put on the layers of pain and wear them around everyday. Medication works, for a little while...but you become so accustomed to the pain that you just keep on doing all you have ever known. Lock it away, take a pill, but on a brave face and pretend you are fine. Every pound of pain shows up on my body. Move onto the next thing, and just do. I am a "do"-er. As long as i am "doing" then i can forget and hide my feelings. It's easy. I'm fine. But here i sit, a month after a very painful time and i have yet to deal with the pain.If i just do one more load of laundry, or fix someone elses problem then i am one day further from that pain.

The truth is for me, i flew to California to see my mom that was in very critical condition. I went through the motions every day. What can i DO? Mom got better. I flew home. Any day she would be ready for the transplant, the Dr.'s were sure that by Christmas or so she would get her new Liver. She was talking, sitting up, doing so well. Then i got the call that would send me crashing down. She had passed away.

What?!

Not possible. Why? What was i being punished for? It's my MOM Lord, i can't do this thing called life without my mom.

No wait....What can i DO? Lets get through the packing, the drive, the services. Prayer is a comfort when i am not "doing" something. But my God is a Big God, why can't he just CURE my depression, and take away my pain? What lesson can i learn from even more pain that i just have to tuck away? If we are only given what we can handle...why am i handling so much? Oh, and in the midst of all this make sure to have my husband tell my oldest son that he isn't in love with me anymore. Why would he be...since i am just a shell of the person i once was. I don't love ME anymore either. Lets just pile all the pain on at once. I am beyond broken. I am beyond worthy of love. Just put one foot in front of the other Missie. It will be fine.

The Lord put this song in my heart - I am just waiting for the Light. Healing is coming.

I chose to face this WITH the Lord, and not lock Him out. Bring on the pain Lord, as i know in my heart you are the Ultimate Healer. I know i don't have to do this alone, because You are with me.

By Josh Wilson....................


Do you wonder why you have to feel the things that hurt you
If there’s a God who loves you, where is He now
Maybe there are things you can’t see
And all those things are happening to bring a better ending
Someday somehow you’ll see, you’ll see

Would you dare, would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming
So hold on you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning

My friend, you know how this all ends, you know where you’re going
You just don’t know how you’ll get there, so say a prayer
And hold on cause there’s good for those who love God
But life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time
But you’ll see the bigger picture

Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade to memory
Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade to memory

Would you dare, would you dare to believe
That you still got a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming
Come on you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the hurt before the healing
Oh the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning



Now, here's to unlocking the pain....and allowing the healing! Love to you all - because LOVE IS SOMETHING YOU DO!